Documenting the Pregnancy Experience

Last month, I started writing in a pregnancy journal that my mom got me for Christmas, in order to document more of the details of this pregnancy. At first, the idea of a pregnancy journal terrified me. As I have written elsewhere on this blog, my first pregnancy ended in miscarriage at 11 weeks. As expected, this experience (in addition to 3+ years of infertility) changed my expectations for and experience of pregnancy forever.

In dealing with the aftermath of the miscarriage, I spent a lot of time with a friend who’d lost a pregnancy at 20 weeks about a month before I got pregnant, sharing our grief and trying to heal. I remember very clearly being with her about a week before her expected due date, and talking about whether she was going to do anything special that day. It turns out she had a small ritual planned, where she would open her box of mementoes of the pregnancy/baby and spend some time with these objects. The box included ultrasound photos, plaster impressions of her tiny baby’s feet, and a belly book.

I hadn’t heard of a belly book before, so she explained that it was similar to a pregnancy journal, and that it was where she had documented her pregnancy through weekly pictures of her belly. Upon hearing this, I still remember the two very strong emotions I felt. First off, I felt incredibly sad for her that she had this tangible reminder of the joy and expectations that she and her husband had for the lost pregnancy, and how difficult it would be to look through the book and contrast her grief against the memory of how she had felt while the pictures were being taken.

The second strong emotion I felt was relief for myself that I did not have a belly book, pregnancy journal, or any similar chronicle of my ill-fated pregnancy. The only remotely comparable thing we’d had was pictures of the pregnancy pee stick showing those two magical lines, which I deleted from my computer several weeks after the miscarriage because I couldn’t face accidentally flipping to them. The lack of a belly book or pregnancy journal was purely a fluke – it is totally the sort of thing I would have gotten if I’d been in the baby and pregnancy section of the bookstore at the right time.

When I got pregnant this time around, even though I was comfortable buying small baby things fairly early in the pregnancy (as I was able to tell myself they were for my eventual baby, whether it be this one or another one), I couldn’t bring myself to get a pregnancy journal or belly book, which would be so intimately tied to this pregnancy and baby.

However, when we told my mom about the pregnancy, one of the first questions she asked was whether I was keeping a pregnancy journal, and after I said no, she highly recommended I do. So, it was no surprise when I got one under the Christmas tree from her, but it still took me a few weeks before I was able to get over my fear and actually write in it.

Since then, I have written 3 posts with details of how our appointments went, or what new milestones we’re experiencing. I write when I’m in bed, just before going to sleep, while feeling the baby moving around inside.

In one sense, the journal is more about facts than this blog – a detailed explanation of how the anatomy scan went, a documentation of my weight and baby’s heartbeat, and other such factual details which I want to remember, but don’t feel quite comfortable boring my blog readers with.

However, one of the surprising things I’ve really enjoyed about the journal is that it is also much more personal than this blog. While the blog is primarily about my feelings and experiences, my journal entries are written to my baby, and focus on him. I honestly don’t know if he’ll ever read them (I think the fact that he’s a boy and not a girl makes it less likely that he’d ever be interested), but as I write”you” instead of “the baby”, and “daddy” instead of “my husband”, without fail tears of joy come to my eyes and I feel an uncontrollable outpouring of love and an intense connection to the miracle growing inside me.

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(Another) Two Week Wait

In exactly two weeks, I’ll be going back to the Dr.’s office to have another endometrial biopsy. I’m assuming (hoping!) that the results will indicate that the endometritis is gone and I can get started for real with the IVF. Of course, I’ll still have to wait for the results, which could take upto a week, but since they only took two days last time, I’m hoping it will be another quick turn around.

So, while it’s not the usual two week wait (where you’re waiting to see if you’re pregnant or not), I hope that by the end of it, I will be genuinely closer to a baby.

Overall I’m doing okay with having things pushed back a few weeks, though I admit that I am counting down each day that I get closer to the next biopsy. I think the biggest reason why I’m getting antsy is that I feel like so far 2011 has been one big bust on the baby making front, so every little delay now feels much more significant than it should.

I realize that technically everything up to this point since we’ve started trying has been a bust, or I wouldn’t be blogging about infertility, but at least I feel that we gave it a good go in 2010. We started fertility treatments in February 2010, and finished the year with 6 IUI’s and 2 pregnancies under our belt. I can look back on that, and say it was a solid effort.

However, since my last IUI in December 2010, it’s just been one long wait to start treatments again: first waiting to take DHEA sufficiently long enough before starting another cycle; then waiting for my period to come so I can officially kick this cycle off; and now waiting again for this infection to clear up. One quarter of the year is over, and it will be one third over by the time we get our first real chance at a positive pregnancy test in 2011.

And it’s times like this when conceiving a baby couldn’t be any less likely, that I really notice all of the people around me who are pregnant. This is mostly people I know in real life, however in the last few weeks, I’ve also realized that many of the people I have “met” on my online infertility forum are also now pregnant. 

My husband and I were talking about this the other day, and he asked me if it bothers me when the other girls on the forum get pregnant. I told him that for the most part it doesn’t (well, except for those crazy, toxic girls who manage to get, and stay pregnant on their first try at whatever their fertility treatment of choice is – that drives me nuts!). 

When it comes to the vast majority of the girls on the forum, I’m happy that their time has come. The nice thing about the forum (unlike in real life), is that it’s a revolving door. Once someone you’ve been journeying with gets pregnant, there’s always someone else who’s still working at it, so you don’t feel abandoned, and there’s no hard feelings or awkward moments as you join new threads that speak to your current reality.

That said, lately I do feel left behind as I realize how many of the girls who were recovering from pregnancy loss with me last July, or cycling with me on my IUIs from August to December are now pregnant (either from those cycles we were on together, or subsequent IUIs or IVFs in 2011 while I’ve been pretty much sitting on my hands). In a few cases, they have even given birth to healthy babies, and here I am still stuck in this mess of infertility and no closer to a viable pregnancy than I was all those months ago. So, yes I’m happy for them, but at the same time I am also sad for myself that I have to endure yet another two week wait.