Conflicting Emotions

Pregnancy announcements while you’re struggling with infertility tend to come with a lot of conflicting emotions. While you’re (usually) happy for the person making the announcement, it more often than not brings up a painful reminder that yet another person has achieved what seems to be the impossible for you.

I think I’m in a good place right now, since I’m doing the IVF, and therefore could be less than a month away from a positive pregnancy result of my own. It’s been six months (when I did my last IUI in December) since a potential pregnancy for me has felt this close. But despite my general positive outlook these days, a pregnancy announcement the other day still brought out some feelings that only someone familiar with the  infertility struggle could understand.

This was not the usual “oops I got pregnant” announcement, and therefore it did not elicit the normal set of conflicting emotions. This was a couple who had been trying about as long as we had, and who I wrote about in one of my first posts on this blog. When we last saw each other at the end of January, they were still on the waiting list for the fertility clinic, so I don’t know if they ended up doing fertility treatments, or lucked out with a miracle pregnancy. Regardless, this pregnancy was well earned, so when my husband casually mentioned in conversation the other day that they were pregnant, I said I was happy for them, and I am.

The thing is that I am also happy for myself. I’m happy that I stuck with my self preservation instinct and did not bond further over our infertility. I’m happy that despite pangs of guilt over the last few months I never got around to sending her the information on the fertility yoga class that I am taking (which would introduce additional opportunities for us to commiserate about our shared experience). And of course I’m happy that despite my lack of support on this front, they still managed to get pregnant.

It seems so petty that I can feel this way, especially when I really believe I may be on the threshold of a pregnancy of my own. But I know that if we had shared more about our struggles, this pregnancy announcement would be much more difficult to take as it would be yet another race that I had lost; one more person leaving me behind. While I’m not proud to say it, one thing I’ve learned over the last year is that when it comes to pregnancy related news and events, I have to support my emotional state first, before I can provide support for someone else. And sometimes these two things are mutually exclusive.

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Dear Blog..

I have been neglectful again! It has been over a week since I last wrote, which I think is my longest stretch so far. I have several reasons for the delay:

1. Everything continues to be crazy, but at the same time not much new is happening, so I feel like I’ll just be repeating myself with anything I write.  To briefly summarize:

a). Our house goes on the market this week (!), so we’ve been busy doing the final few things to get it spruced up. My husband bought some adorable flowers which he’s put in flowerpots placed strategically on our porch and back deck, and also took all of the old junk our neighbours had piled around their houses to the dump for them so that our block would not look too trashy.

b). We’re getting house listings from our real estate agent in our new city to sift through, which is super exciting because I’m going there next week to finally check some out in person.

c). Related to a) and b), we’re starting to firm up what we can afford and how much financing we’ll need, so some calls and appointments there.

d). I have my interview next week (follow up to two phone interviews a few weeks ago).

2. Not much time to sit down and write:

a). Work was busy end of last week and I worked most of the weekend.

b) Now I’m away for work for one week, so my schedule is all messed up.

3. Nothing new to write about re: babymaking status:

a) Still waiting for my follow up endometrial biopsy early next week before I can get confirmation on when we’re proceeding with the IVF. Thankfully with all of the other distractions going on, this two week wait has flown by!

b) I’ve been on birth control pills for almost three weeks now, and my uterus is currently inhospitable due to the endometritis, which means I am less fertile right now than I have ever been. Therefore, no chance of a last minute miracle pregnancy (not to mention that we’ve barely had sex the last few weeks).

I have had a few moments recently though, that if onlyI  had more time I would have expanded on in a blog post. I may still do so later this week, but in case I don’t, here they are:

1. It has been almost a year since my first pregnancy. I thought once I passed the due date in January, the next big date would be the anniversary of the miscarriage in June, however I find that it keeps popping into my head now that it’s April, as it was last April that I had the IUI that was successful, and also when I found out I was pregnant. So I think there will be some emotional moments coming up.

2. I started fertility yoga again last week! I’m so excited that the class is being offered again and I feel like it’s a good omen for me as it will get me through most of the IVF process. At the first class, we had to go around the room and introduce ourselves and share anything we wanted about our fertility journey. Since I was the first one, I felt like I would be setting the tone for how the rest of the introductions would go, so I wanted to make sure I shared enough that people would feel comfortable opening up, without having to launch into detailed history.

So, I shared that I was starting my first IVF. I figured this neatly summarized that either: a) We’ve been trying way too long (true!), or b) We had some serious fertility roadblocks, or c) Both, and there would be no need to go into all the gory details.

I also shared that I had taken the class before, but didn’t want to share that I’d taken it twice already, and the first time was almost 2 years ago, as I didn’t want to freak the other girls out and dash their hopes that this was not going to be the ticket to getting pregnant. Who knows, maybe it would be for them? And then a lightbulb went on in my head – I realized that the  last time I did this class, I GOT PREGNANT. My last class in the September session was just before finding out I was pregnant with my chemical pregnancy. And this realization made me feel so incredibly happy and hopeful that my next pregnancy is right around the corner.