Of Milestones and Healing

This blog has not died, it’s just been in some serious hibernation mode! Once again I find myself in the familiar place of having several blog posts half written in my head and not enough time to sit down and compose my thoughts in an orderly enough manner to post online.

While my own infertility struggle has been resolved, infertility continues to be part of my life through involvement in online infertility communities (particularly twitter), my volunteer role with an infertility charity, and of course by seeing the toll it continues to take on people I know who still walk this difficult path.

My own healing process is also ongoing as I continue to gain (often surprising and unexpected) insight into my own experience with infertility, even from my current privileged vantage point. I am a numbers person – ┬ánumbers are a natural way for me to make sense of the world – and infertility lends itself well to being reduced to a numerical shorthand. Anyone versed in this shorthand can understand notations such as: TTC 32 months, 4 IUI’s, 2 IVF’s, 3 mc’s (just an example, not my story). But at its most basic, the weight of another month or year passing with seemingly no end in sight is an experience that those facing infertility can relate to.

While I thought that my infertility story had been written, I am surprised to find myself facing yet another milestone. My husband and I first started trying for  baby in June 2008. I got pregnant with my first son in September 2011, or after 3 years and 3 months of trying to conceive. Now, in a few weeks, it will be 3 years and 3 months since that beautiful little embryo first snuggled into my uterine lining to become a part of my life forever. In other words, the amount of time that has passed since I conceived my first son will soon be longer than the amount of time that it took to conceive him.

Over the last 3 years and 3 months the process of shedding the psychic weight of infertility has been gradual, and like any weight shedding exercise, filled with periods of sudden weight loss, followed by plateaus, and continuing slow and steady drops. After giving birth to my second healthy son, I thought that I was finally done.

However, I now find myself with pent up anticipation of welcoming this new milestone. I remember back in my dating days, that once a relationship ended, I felt like I could only have true closure once enough time had passed to cancel out the effects of the time spent in the relationship. I now look forward to taking this next step in my relationship with infertility.