Charting a New Course

I am still giddy with excitement about the positive pregnancy test this morning. I didn’t get much work done today, but thankfully I really didn’t have much to do, so I could revel in my newly pregnant state.

I’ve wondered for a long time what this would feel like, and how it would compare to the first time I found out I was pregnant, which is almost a year and a half ago now. Would it feel different the second time around? Would I act differently?

While in some ways this is my third pregnancy (crazy to think that way!), for the most part it feels like my second, as my chemical pregnancy from an IUI cycle a year ago this month never felt real. I never got to enjoy that wonderful state of thinking of all the possibilities that the pregnancy could mean since I never got a positive on any of the home pregnancy tests I took that cycle.

I was already mourning the cycle by the time I went to have bloodwork done. Even when it came back positive, it was so low that right from the beginning I was told to stop all medication and see what happened. So even though I’ve had two losses, for all intents and purposes I’ve only been pregnant once before.

I have few regrets from my first pregnancy, but one of the things that has bothered me ever since is that I only did one measly home pregnancy test, so until today I’ve only seen those two beautiful pregnancy lines once in my life (compared to the countless sad single lines of failed cycles past). I promised myself at one point that next time I had the opportunity, I would take more than one test so I could enjoy that moment of seeing two lines come up over and over again.

So, on my way home from work, I bought four more pregnancy tests: two of my gold standard First Response Early Response manual tests, and two digital Life Brand tests to use later this week once my beta levels should be higher (hey, the Life Brand were even on sale!). So, I now have five pregnancy tests to use over the next few days – I figure I’ll do one each morning until my bloodtest Saturday. And then I’ll lay off. Or I’ll buy more tests – I haven’t decided yet!

Last time around, my husband and I had made a pact that we wouldn’t buy anything baby related until the first trimester was over. Even though we had no reason to think that something would go wrong, we were very aware of the possibility of miscarriage and didn’t want to take anything for granted.

However, from week five to week seven or so, I went away to Europe on a business trip. While there, I saw a beautiful hand crafted baby toy. It was a quilted alphabet hanging. Each letter had a pocket, and in each pocket there was a little quilted animal whose name started with that particular letter. It was adorable, and I knew that was my only chance to buy it.

I agonized over whether to buy it or not. I took a picture, sent it to my husband, and we discussed it over skype. He loved it too once he saw it and told me to buy the toy if I really wanted to. “But it’s too early” I said. “What if we lose the baby?”.

“If we lose the baby, we’ll pack it up and save it for next time.” my husband said. “You can only buy it if you’re comfortable with that.” I thought about it, and decided I was. The toy would be for our baby, whether it be that baby or a future one, so I bought it.

After we lost the pregnancy, I didn’t regret buying the toy, because we’d had that discussion. I knew that one day there would be another baby that would get to enjoy the toy.

On that same trip, I started doing some nursery planning. I surfed websites like Pottery Barn Kids, the Land of Nod and Restoration Hardware for ideas, and cut and paste images into a document. When I was feeling stressed, or just wanted a break, I would open up that file on my computer and looking at all the cute little baby things would instantly relax me and calm me down.

We had a trip planned to New York City that June, and I was planning on visiting the stores in person so I could see what the cute little baby things looked like in real life. I would be right at the end of my first trimester, so was thinking that maybe I would even buy something if I really liked it in person.

Unfortunately, the trip ended up taking place a few days after my miscarriage, so we never ended up visiting any of the baby stores. I decided that my tastes would probably change by the time I was pregnant again, and there would be a whole slew of new equally cute baby things for me to drool over, so I put my nursery file away.

But there was one thing on it that I absolutely loved and felt I had to have. It was a wooden sheep sign from Pottery Barn Kids on which you would write baby’s name to hang on the nursery door. I knew that next time I was pregnant there was a good chance that the little wooden sheep would no longer be available, so I asked my husband if it was okay to buy it, even though we’d already miscarried. He agreed that it was really cute, so I ordered it online, and when it arrived I put it in the box with the toy from Europe.

Now here I am, in the early stages of pregnancy over a year later. My new job is across the street from Pottery Barn and Pottery Barn Kids, so I decided that at lunch I would treat myself to a store visit, so I could once again start building my nursery file. I walked around the store in wonder, glad that there were no sales people around to bother me, as I examined cribs and dressers.

And then, I saw the cutest thing. It was a sheet set with what looked like my little sheep on it. There were sheets, a bedskirt, a quilt, and various other items, all with adorable little sheep on them (the series is called “sweet lambie”). Possibly the cutest thing was a mobile with five fuzzy little sheep (made of real wool!). While with my last pregnancy, many of the items I liked were quite feminine, the sweet lambie sheets were white and beige, or wonderfully gender neutral.

In that moment, I decided that I wanted to start buying some things for our baby/babies as soon as possible, even if it was early. Nothing major just yet, but a sheet set or two, and a sweet lambie mobile would be a good start. I am going to wait at least until my first bloodtest, and probably until my second before I buy anything, but at that point I feel like I’m ready to take my chances. At some point we’re going to need to start buying baby stuff, so why not build on the few items we already have in our baby box? I’m tired of waiting.


One thought on “Charting a New Course

  1. SO wonderful to hear this news! Congratulations! And I’m proud of you for taking the steps forward, choosing to plan for baby instead of worry. I wish I could have done more of that myself. I’m only now realizing how much there is to do, and how much one little tiny being needs!

    Again- enjoy this moment and all the wonderful ones to come!

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