It’s Complicated

Pardon my absence….

Part of the reason for it is the usual “to busy to post” excuse. My husband was wrapping up a few final things in our old city, and he finally came back for good last weekend. My evenings since then have been busy, and since I started my new job, I’ve been pretty careful about my internet usage at work.

At my last position, I was self employed and used my own laptop. We didn’t have an IT department, so I knew nobody was monitoring my internet usage in any way. Here, I have a company computer that is logged on to a network, therefore I don’t feel like I have the same freedom to surf the internet, and in particular, post on my forums, or write my blog (I think facebook and twitter are outright blocked). This is not really a bad thing, as it keeps me focused on doing my job, and if I really need a fix, I can check stuff out on my blackberry. But, at the same time it does limit the time I have to update my blog (I used to write a lot of posts during lunch).

So that’s part of the reason for my absence. The other part is more complicated, but in a nutshell, I’ve been feeling like a break. While for the most part, writing the blog has been therapeutic and a great outlet for getting my feelings out, the act of writing also forces me to focus on the unpleasant part of what is, for the most part the fantastic life that I’m living (especially recently, with our move back to Toronto). It’s a fine line, and for the last few weeks, living my fantastic life and trying not to get sucked into the infertility negativity has won out.

I’ve still been checking twitter, and the two infertility forums I belong to, but less so, and staying away from posting much of anything. While all of those have been wonderful sources of comfort for me, sometimes I feel like it can get to be too much.

Logging on and seeing the raw emotions people are feeling over whatever stage they’re at in their infertility journey has a real emotional impact on how I’m feeling. Often it’s because they’re going through things I’ve experienced (miscarriage, failed cycles, unexpected delays, etc.) and seeing their posts makes me re-live those difficult moments, while other times it’s things I have not experienced, and hope never to have to deal with. But, in any case, seeing so much grief wears me down sometimes.

On a related note, it seems like in the last few weeks I’ve spoken to too many frazzled parents, as my husband and I have started catching up with our friends in and around Toronto, many of whom have young children (3 and under). They are all good parents, and wonderful people, but they all expressed some level of frustration and stress about the demands of parenting, and having to juggle that with everything else in their lives. None of this was said in a “Woe is me” way, and not once did any of them suggest we were lucky for not having to deal with these things. These were just frank conversations between friends, and I understand where they’re coming from.

We were at a wedding last week, where many of these conversations took place, and as my husband and I were dancing the night away (long after most of our friends with kids had left to go home and relieve their babysitters), and getting everyone caught up on our exciting new house and exciting new jobs, for the first time in a very long time (well, since we started fertility treatments a year and half ago) I felt like taking a break and not worrying about anything to do with infertility or treatments for a while.

And then a few days later, I got my period, which meant it was time to get my frozen embryo transfer (FET) cycle going. And  then my clinic told me they needed some updated bloodwork for me, and since it was already day 3 of my cycle, I had a minor panic attack that it may be too late to get the bloodwork done this cycle, which meant I would have to postpone this cycle until November (since I was away for two weeks in October), and just like that I was sucked back into the madness. Fortunately, the bloodwork my clinic needs can be done any time of month, so things are a go for an FET this month and now I’m starting to count down the days to my monitoring appointment, my transfer, and my beta day.

Like I said, it’s complicated.

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3 thoughts on “It’s Complicated

  1. Taking a little break totally makes sense! As you say all of us have GREAT lives outside our IF world and it’s healthy not to lose perspective of that. At least for the Twitter community (where I’m quite new) August has been a rough, frustrating month so I understand your anguish when connecting with those raw painful emotions. Having stayed away for a bit, in the context of your move and new job, sounds sensible and… normal! And yet you’ve been so thoughtful and I’ve seen your support tweets to all BFNs (including mine, THANKS AGAIN!) and sadder news… Whether you post regularly here or in Twitter or not, please know I’ll be thinking about you and praying for your little miracle =) XXXOOO Su

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