Starting the Mourning Process

I moved on Friday, so am now in my new (but old) city in my new house, about to start my new job. Of course, all that change cannot go without a hitch, so the last few days have been busy with filling out paperwork for my new license and health card, waiting for my car to come, and getting internet hooked up.

Of all those things, I think the internet hook up took the most out of me, as it ended up being much more of an ordeal than it should have been, and I really missed not being able to go online anytime I wanted. Thankfully, as of this afternoon it is finally up and running, so it is time for an update.

I have a few draft blog posts in the works, and was planning to finish one of them as my next post, but given where I am currently at emotionally, the planned hopeful, uplifting post is not in me.

The good thing about my recent move is that it was a great distraction during the two week wait after my embryo transfer last Monday. However, this only lasted so long. On the weekend, I was thinking that by next weekend I would know how this cycle ended, which of course got me thinking that I may know as early as Monday if I did a home pregnancy test and it was positive (Monday was the earliest day I said I would allow myself to test).

I tried to hold off, but when Monday morning came, I couldn’t resist and did the test. It was 7 days after my 5 day transfer (so good chance of getting a positive if there was one to be had), but the result was as always negative. I had told myself the night before that since I would be testing early I wouldn’t get upset if it was negative, but seeing the familiar single line completely overrode that resolve.

I held off testing on Tuesday, but by the evening had started the mourning process for this cycle, and thinking more seriously about logistics of next steps. I tested again first thing this morning (actually 4AM as I couldn’t sleep), and I just knew it was going to be negative again. 9 days post 5 day transfer, I should be getting at least a faint second line if there was any hope of pregnancy, but the test was once again stark white where the second line would be.

My bloodwork to make everything official is not until Friday, and I just want Friday to come and be over with, so I can have the bad news confirmed and start to move on. In the meantime, all I want to do is take a hot bath, have a drink, or go for a workout to make myself feel better, but I have to hold off on all of these things until I get the official word that I’m not pregnant.

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4 thoughts on “Starting the Mourning Process

  1. I know well how hard that time is, and I’m so sorry. I know there’s little I can say that’s much comfort, but I’m wishing you peace and strength and a new plan/step soon!

    • Thank you! I think the next few days will be the hardest. Once the news is confirmed I’ll have a follow up appt quickly and will get a plan in place for next steps.

  2. I am so, so sorry. How frustrated and disappointed you must be feeling. Do something nice for yourself, like get a pedicure or a massage or something.

    Sending you love.

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