An IVF State of Mind

I’ve had two more follicle monitoring appointments since the first one on Saturday.  As of tonight, I’ve done ten days of stim drugs, and at this morning’s appointment, my Dr. said I was getting close. He’s still saying egg retrieval will most likely be Monday or Tuesday, but in the meantime I get to go back for another appointment tomorrow.

My husband wasn’t able to join me at either of the last two appointments, so unfortunately I had to lie there and keep track of everything on my own. But as far as I can tell, here’s where things are at:

Tuesday’s appt (7 days of stims): 13 follicles in the running between 10 and 13 mm (6 on the right, 7 on the left), lining as always was “beautiful” at 10mm.

Thursday’s appt (9 days of stims): 13-14 follicles in the running between 13 and 16mm (8-9 on the right, 5 on the left), lining “beautiful” at 11mm.

Physically, I feel as good as can be expected. I was feeling pretty bloated and “full” on Monday, and my right ovary felt quite tender and sore, and I remember thinking that I couldn’t imagine another week of that (presumably getting progressively worse each day). But I woke up Tuesday feeling fine, other than some lingering tenderness. The last few days have been the same, still some soreness in my ovaries, but not too bad otherwise. I’ve started drinking Powerade to keep the bloat down, which seems to be working.

Between the Dr.’s appointments, acupuncture every two days, and fertility yoga today, this whole week has been all about prepping for a baby in one way or another. And despite the constant reminders of what it is we’re going through and trying to achieve, emotionally I’ve felt great. My husband even noticed it today and said that I must have been stressed before because I’m in such a good mood right now and seem so excited about everything. I was surprised to hear this, because I tend to think I hold things together well, and other than this blog and other online outlets don’t really vent or dwell on the infertility struggle, but maybe it’s been affecting me more than I thought?

And meanwhile, even though things couldn’t be going better on the IVF front, I couldn’t help having some lingering doubts this evening wondering when things were going to go sideways…would it be a negative egg retrieval experience, disappointing fertilization rate, or poor quality embryos that would derail things and bring me back down to earth? Or maybe all those things would go swimmingly, and I would get my hopes up only to be disappointed with yet another negative pregnancy result? And then where do you go from there, when you have the perfect cycle and it still doesn’t work?

I’m really trying to take things one day at a time, which has worked so far, but now that I’m getting close to retrieval it’s getting harder to keep my mind from jumping ahead to the next step(s) and worrying that things have been going too well so far that they must be about to take a turn for the worse. I suppose it’s a coping mechanism from too much disappointment over the last three years – assuming the worst so you can be pleasantly surprised when it doesn’t happen (or emotionally prepared when it does). And yet buried amongst all this fear, doubt and negativity is the thought that I can barely bring myself to think – the possibility that this might actually work.

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One thought on “An IVF State of Mind

  1. Pingback: Back on the Rollercoaster | Unfertilized

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