Yesterday I (re) started birth control pills in preparation for IVF cycle #1. As those of you who’ve been following along know, this cycle originally started with birth control pills at the end of March, but after several delays we had to wind things down and start again. Now that we’re starting again, I’ve had a lot of mixed emotions.
First off, I am excited to be starting the pill again. I feel like I am back in the game and finally making progress towards the goal of a baby again. And at this point, I know nothing can stop me from starting suprefact for suppression in two weeks’ time, and then going to my suppression check ultrasound at the end of May. So for the rest of the month, I will be one step closer to a potential pregnancy each day.
It’s what comes next that still scares me though. Once I go for my ultrasound on May 30th, there’s a whole new set of hurdles to cross, and given how difficult it’s been to even get to this point I feel like getting to an actual embryo transfer in mid June is a pipedream. Avoiding the perils of oversuppression, undersuppression, overstimulation and understimulation, not to mention getting enough eggs that will fertilize and develop normally into embryos feels like an insurmountable challenge. I’m not scared of getting a negative pregnancy result, but I am terrified of not making it to transfer and having this cycle cancelled at some point for some reason.
And I admit that I’ve been feeling sad that even if everything goes perfectly smoothly and I have a positive pregnancy result that my best case scenario at this point is a pregnancy after three years of trying. I know that I can’t go back in time, but I’m still finding it hard to get used to my reality that getting pregnant after “only” three years is a desired outcome. And in the back of my mind, I can’t help but think of the baby that was with me at this point last year, and think that if it were still here I wouldn’t even be bothering with an IVF right now.
Thankfully I (still) have a lot of distractions in my life with work, and our pending move (speaking of which, conditions on our house sale came off last night, so the “sold” sign is up), which makes it easier to put infertility and IVF on the backburner for the next few weeks. So today, I feel optimistic. But I remain terrified about what the next few months will bring.