Feeling Stalled, Hopeless and Frustrated

As I mentioned the other day, my IVF cycle start has been delayed yet again. I got the updated protocol from my clinic yesterday, and it looks like my retrieval/transfer will be sometime the week of June 13th, or a full 7 weeks later than what we’d originally planned. This timing wonderfully coincides with the 3 year anniversary of when we first start trying to conceive, and the d&c date last year for our first pregnancy. Oh, and not to mention due date for my chemical pregnancy. As if the middle of June is not already infused with enough meaning and tough emotions, now I get to throw IVF#1 in there too.

Even though it really should be just a minor nuisance, this latest delay feels like the straw that broke the camel’s back. I’m just feeling so hopeless right now. Forget having a baby, forget getting pregnant, I can’t even get to having the chance to try to get pregnant!  And since I’ve been on birth control, it just feels like completely wasted time (compared to earlier this year when I was “on hold” for three months so that DHEA could kick in, but I theoretically could have had that miracle natural pregnancy).

Part of the frustration is that I’ve been trying to plan other aspects of my life (going away/other appointments/physical activity/work stuff etc etc) around this cycle, and with all the updates and changes I’ve been constantly having to juggle things around and reschedule. Even my husband has been like “Why worry about a conflict that day, the schedule’s going to change anyways”.

I am feeling so stalled and frustrated, and I feel like I have nobody I can talk to about this. I tried talking to my husband about it the other day, and even though he is normally very supportive and on the same page about this stuff, I feel like he totally brushed me off. His take was that he’s not concerned about another two week delay, he’s concerned about the almost three years we’ve already been waiting. Instead of comforting me, he pretty much got angry with me for being upset about this latest delay. So that was not cool.

And we re-hashed an argument that we’d had a few months ago about how involved he is in this process. Since we’ve started going down this IVF road, I feel like it’s somehow become “my project” in his eyes. At one point he had said that since I’m the one that has to go to appointments and have the majority of the procedures done, he could help out by making any required calls to the fertility clinic, and also pick up any medications from the pharmacy for me. He’s been great with the running around, but has washed his hands of having any direct contact with the clinic, because “if he calls, I’ll just have a list of questions afterwards that he should have asked but didn’t”.  This really pisses me off, because as I see it, this is our journey and our IVF, it’s not my IVF. There is no reason why I should know more about how our babies are going to be made than he does.

To top it all off, it was one year ago today that we found out I was pregnant with our first pregnancy. I really thought that was it.   Even though we were very cautious and didn’t tell anyone our news, and always tried to say “if” not “when” when talking about the baby, I felt that if my body finally accepted a pregnancy after 2 years of trying it had to be a good one. Anyone else I knew who had miscarried had no problems getting pregnant, so my baby would make it.

Thinking about all that is hitting me harder than I thought. And it ties back into this cycle, because pretty much from the time I got the protocol to when my ER is scheduled is the exact same time that I spent knowing I was pregnant last year.  On the one hand it’s just dates, there’s no magic behind it, but June’s really my most loaded month infertility wise already that I really don’t want another “milestone” date in there.