Flashback

As promised, I did pee on a stick yesterday morning, and as expected it was negative. And that was totally fine. There was that tiny little bit of me that thought “maybe, just maybe”, but it really was such a small, small part that when the familiar image of one (and only one) line came up, I glanced at it and threw it away, and carried on with my morning routine.

But as the day went on, and there was no sign of spotting any time I went to the bathroom, my mind couldn’t help but wander a bit.  And, I started to analyze every sensation and whether it was consistent with my period coming on. My breasts felt a little full, but not as sore as they often are right before my period. And I didn’t feel any of the other subtle symptoms that often signal that my period is about to arrive. So, try as I might, I couldn’t push the thought of pregnancy completely out of my mind.

In the evening, I went out to dinner with my colleagues, and we ordered a bottle of wine. As I drank my glass of wine, for a brief moment I wondered “What if I’m pregnant? Could this wine affect the helpless little thing growing inside me?” And suddenly, in that instant, it all came flooding back. I remembered those magical weeks after I first found out I was pregnant almost a year ago,  the wonder I felt at this life developing inside me, and the outpouring of love that flowed from every cell each time I thought of the microscopic being that was working hard to grow into our child.

It had been so long since I last felt that way, or even really thought of how wonderful that short time in my life was  (usually if I think about that pregnancy, it’s more about how it ended – the horror slowly sinking in as I watched the blood came pouring out of me at an increasingly faster rate, the helplessness I felt once I realized that I was losing the pregnancy and there was nothing I could do about it, the frustration of facing a d&c in a foreign country without my husband by my side, and finally the overwhelming sadness at how close we’d come, only to be back at square one again).

But tonight was different. For the first time in a really long time, I remembered the excitement, the love, the hope. It felt like a distant memory, but at the same time so familiar, and so right. And more than anything, it made me yearn for another chance to experience the magic and joy of pregnancy – the whole process this time, and not just a tantalizing taste.

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