My mind is still occupied mostly with work stuff. I have a call with a recruiter on Monday, so have been madly perusing “how to market yourself” and “how to ace the interview” type books as well as reflecting on what exactly I have done with my career so far and why anyone should care. When I’m ready for a break, I’ve enjoyed drooling over house listings online, and debating with my husband about the merits of the various neighbourhoods we are considering, while trying to figure out what we can afford (which ends up tying back to my future job prospects). I even have a draft blog post started explaining in more detail the various job opportunities I am considering in the hopes that it will help clarify some of my thinking about what I should do once we move.
However, despite the many distractions, I still managed to get blindsided by something I read today on the infertility forum I belong to. I was lurking on a thread for people who have gone through multiple IVF failures when I saw it. I should explain that in addition to the countless threads that I’ve joined on the forum which deal specifically with whatever I happen to be currently experiencing (e.g. pregnancy loss when I first joined the forum after my miscarriage, the many IUI buddy threads I joined in the fall, and now the upcoming IVF threads that I’m primarily posting on), I do find it helpful sometimes to read threads that represent uncharted territory for me.
As I mentioned above, I first joined the forum in order to have a safe outlet for my feelings after my miscarriage and to read about other people going through the same, painful feelings that I was experiencing. Rooting around the pregnancy loss section of the forum, I discovered some threads discussing recurrent pregnancy loss (RPL). I found myself drawn to those threads, as knowing how hard it was going through one miscarriage, I couldn’t imagine how people dealt with having such a horrible thing happen to them again and again, so I had to read their stories in the hope that they would provide me with the strength I needed to get through that difficult period.
Similarly, as I prepare to embark on my first IVF, I have recently started reading a thread about women who have had multiple IVF failures. It was while I was on this thread this morning that a woman joked that since she didn’t have a “pregnancy ticker” (to count down the days and weeks of a pregnancy), she may as well get a “ttc ticker” (showing how long she’s been trying to conceive). Her sample ttc ticker showed that she had been trying to conceive for two years and ten months. “Wow, that’s a long time”, I automatically thought as I read it, and then my eyes moved to her signature where it said that she had been trying for a baby since June 2008. Yes, the exact same month that I first started.
It really shouldn’t have come as such a shock, after all it had been quite a few months since I entered the “two and half years” stage of ttc, so with no change in status it made sense that I was now at two years and ten months, or about to round the corner on three whole years. Hell, even on the “ttc journey” page of this blog, it indicates that I am in my 34th month of trying. The thing is, that despite checking my calculations several times, I was sure that I had accidentally skipped a month or two when I had tallied things up, and was waiting for the right moment to pull out my data again, and once and for all get to the bottom of where the mistake happened so I could correct my error. But there was no error, as proven by the ttc ticker.
Rather, I had just experienced another one of those jolt moments that happens periodically when I try to make sense of how exactly I got to where I am today; one of those moments where I feel like I am watching someone else’s life and this can’t really be happening to me, can it?