I’m pretty tired tonight since I woke up at 4AM this morning to drive my husband to the airport for his 6AM flight. He’s interviewing for a job this week, which if successful will mean a move across the country sometime this summer. He applied in early December (though we’d known about the position since the end of the summer), and as a result 2011 has so far been one huge mindfuck for both of us. We go from wondering when the baby thing is finally going to happen for us, to whether we’re going to find out in a month that we’re making a major move. It feels like the ground is constantly shifting beneath us and there’s no safe refuge to escape to; everything in our life seems up for grabs.
And the worst part is that while these two things are taking up so much of our mental energy, we don’t really have anyone we can talk to about them. The job thing is obviously tricky because we can’t talk to anyone here about it until it actually happens. And while I suppose we could be more open with people about our baby struggles, there isn’t really anyone who we’re close enough to that would truly understand where we’re at. And I’ve found that talking to someone who does not understand is worse than not sharing at all.
‘The good thing is that the question of whether we are moving will be resolved one way or the other in about a month. And we both feel that no matter the outcome, we’ll be happy with the result. However, the flip side to both options being good is that both are also bad. So good news on one front, will mean bad news on the other front. And while it’s illogical, we find ourselves worrying about the negative aspects of both options, even though only one will actually happen.
The baby question on the other hand is one huge unknown – there is no way to know the timing, cost, number of procedures, and number of losses before it happens. And unlike the uncertainty associated with where we’ll be living, there are many potential bad outcomes. So some days it just feels like there is no way out of this mess we’ve found ourselves in.
I do hope that the coming months will bring clarity, and peace. Intrigue and turmoil are exciting to watch on screen, but these days I’m craving some boring normalcy.